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"IF THEY HIT YOU, HIT THEM BACK"Perspectives on Methods of Dealing with Conflict and Confrontation- Neema Avashia
"IF THEY HIT YOU, HIT THEM BACK"
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MOHANDAS K. GANDHI'S PERSPECTIVE "Man and his deed are two distinct things. Whereas a good deed should call forth approbation and a wicked deed disapprobation, the doer of the deed, whether good or wicked, always deserves respect or pity as the case may be. 'Hate the sin and not the sinner' is a precept which, though easy to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred spreads in tlm world. This ahimsa* is the basis of the search for truth. I am realizing every day that the search is vain unless it is founded on ahimsa as the basis. It is quite proper to resist and attack a system, but to resist and attack its author is tantamount to resisting and attacking oneself. For we are all tarred with the same brush, and are children of one and the same Creator, and as such the divine powers within us are infinite. To slight a single human being is to slight those divine powers, and thus to harm not only that being but with him the whole world. (254)" *Ahimsa means non-violence CLAUDE BROWN'S PERSPECTIVE "Throughout my childhood in Harlem, nothing was more strongly impressed upon me than the fact that you had to fight and that you should fight. Everybody would accept it if a person was scared to fight but not if he was so scared that he didn't fight. As I saw it in my childhood, most of the cats I swung with were more afraid of not fighting than they were of fighting. This was how it was supposed to be, because this was what we had come up under. The adults in the neighborhood practiced this. They lived by the concept that a man was supposed to fight. When two little boys got into a fight in the neighborhood, the men would encourage them and egg them on. They'd never think about stopping the fight. There were some little boys, like myself, who when we got into a fight-even though we weren't ten years old yet all the young men, the street-corner cats, they would come out of the bars or the numbers joints or anyplace they were and watch. Somebody would say, "Little Sonny Boy is on the street fightin' again," and everybody had to see this. Down on 146th Street, they'd put money on street fights. If there were two little boys on one block who were good with their hands, or one around the corner and one on Eight Avenue, men on the comer would try and egg them into a fight. (158)" PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE As a child, I was inclined towards hitting people whenever provoked. My parents, my teachers, and my peers were at a loss for ways to stop me. What could they do? Most of the time I was a sweet, innocent little girl... but when I got angry, it was all over. It didn't matter if the person provoking me was old or young, male or female, big or small. If they made me angry, I was going to hit them. Two examples of this stick out in my mind vividly: When I was 10 years old, a girl named Melissa Craig moved into a house down the street from me. One day I went out onto the street to play and found her picking on one of my younger neighbors to the extent that my neighbor was crying. Outraged, I slugged her in the mouth, busting her lip and breaking her braces in the process. While I was scolded thoroughly for dealing with my anger through violence, my parents' lecture on Gandhian philosophy didn't seem to have any effect on me. Hardly a year later, a similar situation arose, leading me to react in a very similar manner. A 14-year old boy in my 6th grade class continuously made fun of me for several months. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and I punched him while we were in the library one day. This time I didn't get away unscathed-he hit back, and both of us were sent to the principal's office. I didn't get suspended because I had no previous record of violence in school, but both events combined led my parents to sit down and have a long talk with me about violence. In the end it was made clear that hitting people in any situation was bad, even if you were hit first. If it looked like I was about to get into a fight, I was told to walk away...and from then on, I did. Never mind that instead of hitting people I now hit walls, but at least my method of dealing with conflict is no longer harmful to others. However, as I have interacted with people of all different ages in the past few years, I have noted that the ways in which people deal with confrontation really don't change, regardless of how old they are. Some people hit, some people run away; some people yell, some people cry; some people are the ones who always get hit, and some people manage to avoid confrontation altogether. When the opportunity to conduct an intercultural inquiry arose, I knew that by exploring this subject with people of different ages, cultures, and genders, I would be able to get a well-rounded picture of how people deal with conflict and confrontation, and reasons why they choose certain methods over others for handling their problems. I looked to the children that I teach at Liberty Elementary school, the students that I know from the Community Literacy Center, and the peers that I interact with at Carnegie Mellon to help me explore this issue. I asked each group of people four questions: What would you do if...
Their responses and perspectives can be found below. 1st GRADE PERSPECTIVES 1st graders can be very opinionated and very honest. If your hair looks bad, they'll tell you. If you look funny, they'll draw 8 picture of you and show you. If they don't like you, they're going to Jet you know. Four months at Liberty Elementary School have taught me this much. This forthrightness has its good points and its bad points. On the negative side, some of my students won't hesitate to tell a fellow classmate that they hate him, whether it is based on race, religion, gender, or some other subjective issue. The 4 students that I talked to for this inquiry all deal with conflict in very different ways, but each had a lot to say. William- William is my class fighter. He will fight about anything and never feel remorse for it. He also tends to have very violent thoughts, and talks about "bringing pepper spray to school to spray someone," or "bringing a knife to school to rape someone," or just about how his mom's boyfriend beats her up. It's hard to know how much William really understands of what he is saying, but it is pretty clear that he reflects what he has learned at home. When asked the What would you do if..." questions, William's immediate response to each question was, "Beat them up!" I then asked him what how his mom would feel about that and he said, "That's what she tells me to do. She says that if someone makes me angry, I have to stick up for myself." And what about whether it is ok to hit someone first? "It depends on what they do to me," said William. "But usually I only hit back if someone hits me first. But I always hit back because I know that if I don't stand up for myself I'm going to get into trouble at home." William was quick to point out something to me that I hadn't thought of since much of my standpoint on violence deals with morality. "Hitting people isn't right," he said, "But sometimes there isn't anything else you can do. You shouldn't hit, but sometimes you have to hit." Chris- Chris is the most peaceful student in class. He doesn't raise his voice, doesn't get into fights, and doesn't even get upset very easily. He is also the kind of person who doesn't really create conflict, which makes it easier for him to remain peaceful. Chris responded to my initial questions in the same way that William did, probably partly because William was sitting right beside him. "I'd beat them up if they made me mad," he said. Puzzled, I asked Chris if he'd ever been in a fight. "No. I don't like to hit people," he said. Moreover, Chris told me that his mom and dad tell him not to fight unless he has no other choice. "Would you ever walk away from a fight?" I asked. "Yes," he replied. I asked him why he thought people hit each other and he said, "Sometimes they just have to. You shouldn't hit people. It isn't right. But people still do it because they don't know what else to do." Alexandra- Alexandra is the child in class who is always getting hit. Whether it is done intentionally or by mistake, if she is even barely touched by another student, the teacher will be told. One day Douglas, another classmate, mistakenly poked her on the arm, which led to an extended crying fit by Alexandra, solved when the teacher made her realize that Douglas had not meant to hurt her. Alexandra herself doesn't usually handle conflict through violent means; she typically reacts to confrontation by crying. Her answer to each of my first three questions was easy: "Tell the teacher.." If someone made fun of her, she would tell the teacher. If someone took or broke something important to her, she would tell the teacher. If someone hit her, she would tell the teacher. "My mom said that I should protect myself if someone hits me, but I don't like to hit people," she said. "Hitting people is bad." Using the phrase that is drilled into students' heads at Liberty, she looked at me and said, "Hands are for helping, not for hurting." Richard- Of all of the students that I deal with at Liberty, Richard is the one who I think has the most trouble dealing with conflict and confrontation. His main problem is one of trying to decide whether to handle situations how he thinks he should handle them, or how other people say he should handle them. Richard really respects William. He'll do anything that William does, whether it goes against his beliefs or not. So, if William is around and Richard is provoked, he will fight. But when William isn't around, Richard is a completely different person. "If someone hits me or talks bad about me, I'll tell the teacher. But if they are picking on my sister, or if they talk about my mom I'm going to hit them. It's not good to hit people, but if someone makes me mad, I'll hit them. My mom says that if someone hits me, I should hit them back, so I know its OK to fight if I have to, but most of the time I don't like to fight. If you fight you get in trouble, and I don't want to get in trouble." MIDDLE SCHOOL/HIGH SCHOOL PERSPECTIVES The kids who come to the Community Literacy Center are an interesting group- there is as much variance in their personalities and ways of dealing with conflict as there is in that of my 1st graders, but age and maturity have changed their perspectives on methods of dealing with conflict and confrontation to some extent. In conducting this inquiry with them, I took the three students with the most different personalities- Chad, Brianne, and Anna, and asked them for their input on the way that they deal with conflict and confrontation, and why they deal with situations the way that they do. Chad- Chad is a very laid-back teenager, but when provoked, he can be just as aggressive as any other person. This was especially obvious in his interactions with Brianne. At times I think her attitude towards him really irked him, and he began to react by making fun of her instead of just ignoring her like he did initially. Chad answered each of my questions differently. "If someone was calling me names or making fun of me, I'd act normal. If they took something of mine at school, I'd probably tell the Vice Principal or Principal. If it happened out of school, I'd tell their parents, but if that didn't work, I'd take matters into my own hands. I'd ask them to give me my stuff back and if that doesn't work, then I'm going to hit them and take my stuff back. But I'm not responsible because they took my stuff." Chad also said that if someone hit him, he would hurt that person. "Fights are kind of good because you have to defend yourself," he said. "My mom and dad always said that if someone hit me, I have to hit them back. They said that I should avoid fights as much as possible, but if one was going to happen, then I needed to fight." Chad noted that he's been in over 20 fights in his life, and admitted that he realizes that fighting has consequences. "You can get suspended, or put in in-house suspension, and of course, if you lose, then you get beat up. But if someone is messing with you, you have to stop them even if that means you'll get in trouble." Anna- Anna is very similar to Chris in many respects. She is just not a confrontational person. She is quiet and keeps her opinions to herself when interacting with a large group of people. Nevertheless, she supports many of the same ideas that have been expressed previously in this inquiry. "My dad teaches me how to fight so that if I ever have to, I'll be ready," she said. "My mom and dad have always said that if someone starts fighting with me, I have to fight them back. If I start a fight without good reason, then I'm going to get in trouble, but if I don't protect myself, then I'll get in trouble, too." Anna said that her reaction to the different situations that I posed would depend on a lot of factors. "It's hard to say what I would do because I don't know exactly what the situation would be like it would depend on the person and on how I was feeling, and a lot of other things. But if they made me mad enough, I'd probably fight them." Brianne- Brianne really surprised me. The initial impression that she gives off is one of having an attitude, and not letting anyone mess with her. However, in talking to her I realized that she really thinks about situations and their consequences before acting. "If someone talks about me, I'll usually just talk about them back. I don't like to fight at school because people have weapons and I don't want to get cut up," she said. She reacted differently when I asked what she'd do if someone stole or broke something that was hers. "If someone breaks or steals something of mine, I'm going to be really mad. I'd kind out why they broke it or stole it, and then they're going to get hurt. I might end up fighting if someone stole from me and I found out about it." However, her reaction to my question of what she would do if someone hit her was the same reaction that I got from almost every other person that I talked to. "If someone hit me, I would hit them back. But it depends on how hard they hit and how well they fight. If I was going to get hurt, I'd probably walk away. The trouble with walking away, though, is that then some people will think that they can get away with hitting me and I won't do anything back." "My parents always said that I had to protect myself. When I got into a fight, my mom said that she hoped I beat the girl up since I was fighting her. They never said that I should just go around hitting people, but they did say that I had to watch out for myself." COLLEGE PERSPECTIVES When preparing to enter into this inquiry with my peers, I was prepared to hear very different perspectives from those that I heard from the 1st graders, middle schoolers, and high schoolers. My expectations were met in some senses, and not in others. Some new perspectives were brought to the table, though. Emily- "How I would react to a conflict or confrontation with someone who had talked bad about me would depend on a lot of things. It would depend on who I was in conflict with and what was said." Every situation evoked the same response from Emily. "It always depends on the situation. When we're younger, it's easier to justify fighting because you don't have to think about the different factors involved and the consequences that could result. Now there is so much to take into account." Still, Emily admitted that she'd probably react with force if someone hit her. "It's a pride thing, mainly. If you hit them when they're picking on you, then they'll stop. If you don't fight back, they're going to keep picking on you. Now obviously, if someone is bigger than I am and could hurt me, then I'm going to be more careful and probably walk away, but if I can hold up in the fight, then I'm going to fight." "Growing up my mom and dad told me two different things. My dad told me that if anyone ever hit me, I was to hit them back. My mom told me that if anyone ever hit me, I was to walk away. I usually listened to my dad." Kanand- "There are three factors that I would base my course of action upon: How much I respect the person, how well I know the person (how good of a friend he/she is), and how personal of a comment it was. In general, if it is not a really offensive comment and if I don't believe what the person said (or if I know that it is crap) I will just shrug it off. This is especially the case when the person who made the comment is not highly "respected" by me." Kanand went on to say, "If it is offensive and I respect the person a lot, then I would probably take it to heart. But if I wasn't too close to the person, then I would probably just mull over for awhile and it would probably always be etched in my mind that this person that I respect doesn't fully respect me. Now, if it is offensive and I don't respect the person a lot and the person is a mend then I would probably just make a wisecrack back at him and laugh it off. If the person isn't a friend, then I would probably just restrain myself and just snap back with a very rude one liner that would shut him up." "If someone broke something of mine, I wouldn't say anything. I would act as if it wasn't that big of a deal and shrug it off. It sort of goes back to the idea of having multiple people in a "bad" state of mind. I am already sad about what happened (i.e. something of mine has been broken), but there is not need for someone else to worry about it." "Now, if someone stole something I would first ask them if they "knew where it was." Then if I really feel that they did steal it, I would lose all respect for the person and not trust him again. Of course there are some situations where I might confront the person in a very civil manner. If it was very, very important to me, then I would try to get it back somehow. Maybe I would be straight up and say I saw the person take it and ask for it back, but that is a last resort." "As for hitting someone, I don't think I would do anything unless he got me really excited and pissed off (which is hard to do). I would try to talk it out, but resort to physical brutality as a last resort. I've never been in this position, so this is all speculation. Also, the consequences of hurting someone are enough to keep me from ever hitting someone unless I was really, really angry." With regard to the influence that his parents have had on this perspective, Kanand said, "My parents never told me to hit or not hit people, but my parents never really hit me, either, so I didn't grow up with that. If I would push my brother around when we were playing, or if I was mad, my mom would always scold me and say that I shouldn't hurt people, I think that has helped me to stay away from handling conflict violently." ACADEMIC PERSPECTIVES In looking to academia for perspectives on violence, I was surprised to find that many books supported the same theories and "solutions" to violent methods of dealing with conflict and confrontation. Richard Valett, author of an essay entitled "Teaching Peace and Conflict Resolution," claims that the United States ranks among the most violent of Western nations because certain aspects of our culture encourage violence. Citing that children between the ages of 5 and 18 see approximately 20,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television, Valett asserts that violent behavior is reamed (Benninga, 244). He also claims that children imitate aggressive and non-aggressive behaviors based on what they see in the world around them, and hence, that aggressive and destructive behavior can be changed through education and positive role-modeling (245). Valett defines peace, his ideal, as "a dynamic state of human tranquility and freedom from catastrophic disturbance such as war with self and others, which is created by law and law with justice for all." He goes on the say that in order to attain peace, all people must go through peace education, which begins with self-awareness and understanding, and then reaches out to significant others in the family and community (243). However, in the essay "You Need Lots of Choices" by Sara Goodman and William J. Kreidler, the two point out something that Valett seems to ignore. Goodman and Kreidler believe that conflict itself is not bad or negative- it is an essential aspect that can potentially be either destructive or constructive depending on how it is handled (73). They offer a different type of solution, making their goal not to solve conflict, but rather to solve the way in which conflict is handled (74). According to their theory, if we help people take responsibility for their actions and communicate their needs effectively, we will eliminate a large reason why people confront conflict with violence. LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE In evaluating the perspectives that I was introduced to while conducting this inquiry, I realized that there are many factors that play into how different people deal with conflict and confrontation. Age, background, maturity, the people involved and the complexity of the situation can all affect whether a person will handle conflict peacefully or resort to violence in order to solve the problem. Richard is a perfect example of how peer pressure can cause someone to react differently from what they would instinctually do. There have been many occasions on which he has gotten into a fight with another student simply because William has egged him on. The respect of peers is very important for children when growing up, and if fighting is going to keep someone's respect, while not fighting may cause it to be lost, the odds are that a child is going to fight. However, as children get older, their ability to make choices that are based more on what is right for them, and less on what is expected of them by their peers increases to the point where we see Emily and Kanand. Networks of support play a very strong part in how children develop, and how they deal with conflict and confrontation as they grow up. If parents model violent behavior, children are likely to reflect this in their reaction to confrontation. Likewise, if parents model non-violent behavior, children will probably learn to handle confrontation non-violently Schools also play a part in this- if teachers are able to instill a strong sense of individuality in students, encourage independent decision-making, and offer children options for handling conflict that are not necessarily violent, children will grow up knowing their options, and being able to make rational decisions for reacting to confrontational situations. Oftentimes, especially when talking with my 1st graders, and even with the older people involved in this inquiry, it seemed as though people resort to violence in times s of conflict because they don't know how else to handle the situation. If this is the case, then perhaps the academic perspective included in this inquiry could impact the ways in which people handle conflict and confrontation. Perhaps the key is to teach people alternative methods of handling these kinds of situations. Granted, in some situations there is no other way to react than through violence. However, the goal here is for children to be able to discern between situations that call for violence, and situations that can be solved peacefully. There is no one overarching solution that I can offer in this paper. This is an inquiry into how people deal with conflict- not an inquiry into how we can fix this problem and make it so no one in the world ever gets into a fight again. Looking at different perspectives on dealing with conflict and confrontation allows us to better understand the reasoning behind people's actions. If we can understand why people do things, then we can more effectively offer them viewpoints and ideas which will help them think about conflict and its consequences in ways they may not have before. References
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